Can't afford my books? Ask your library!

Today I signed up for Blasty in an attempt to remove my books from illegal sites who don’t have permission to give my books away for free. Three hours in, there are nearly 200 instances…and counting.

Considering I have a perma-free book and have given plenty of free books away since I began publishing in 2014, I have to say I’m highly disappointed at finding my books being given away for free on sites that have no right to do so. Some are just ways to steal people’s information, but others are completely legit, with people commenting about how grateful they are because they’ve been “wanting to read [this book] forever!” beneath the download link. Or someone posting a fake book on Wattpad and listing links to my books in the document!

This is not a legitimate way to acquire my book. It is stealing, which is ridiculous considering all my books are available through Overdrive, and can be requested through any library that utilizes the service if a person who wants to read the books just took the time to do it. The library will pay for the book and the person gets to read it, therefore making it FREE!

If you click here, you’ll find a page listing all my titles, including foreign language translations, listed on Overdrive. Then, sign into your library account (if you can) and put in a request for a digital copy! If this isn’t an option for you, call them up and ask what needs done for them to include the book in their circulation. It never hurts to ask.

Other options are through subscription services. My books aren’t in Kindle Unlimited, but many of them are on Scribd and Playster and 24Symbols. They cost money (not as much as buying all my books individually) and I still get paid for the ‘purchase’ of my books.

I’m making this post because maybe people don’t know about the options through their library, or about the other lending services that give them a chance to read the books at a fraction of the price. So here they are — ways you or them can read my books without having to pay for them, or pay much less, at the very least.

Thanks for supporting my work and happy reading!

<3 Violet

The Exhaustion of Autism

One of the hardest things for me to deal with as an autistic person is people not understanding what life is like on a daily basis. Nobody has any idea how much energy goes into ensuring I don't mess up too badly or that I "get things done" when they need doing. Well, they might, but many people in my life didn't until I received my diagnosis, and even then, it's hard for them to understand sometimes.

In 2016, I wrote a blog post called The Exhaustion of Autism, and today, I'm sharing the post again (with some slight edits to make it more general audience appropriate!) because this is one piece that really means a lot to me. I've also added a bit to the end. This expands on what being autistic can be like for someone. I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading.

Ever been so tired after a busy day that you sit down and before you know it, you’re waking up out of nowhere and it’s the next day already...when you weren’t even finished with the day before? This has been my reality since I was young. A few hours of an activity that didn’t involve being at home, and for the next day or even two, I’m so tired I can’t do anything except lay around and sleep. The exhaustion of autism is real and tangible in my everyday life.

Read More

The Death of a Dream

Today I'm writing with grief...and a despair so deep, there's a nasty taste in my mouth.

On June 18th, just a little over a month after my wedding, I got a positive pregnancy test. I was ecstatic, but also absolutely and utterly terrified. We weren't trying and after the last six years, I thought I would never get pregnant again. After two ectopics back in 2011, with one resulting in the partial loss of my left tube, my chances of having another tubal pregnancy was really high and these results left me in a state of shock and worry.

And after two weeks of ups and downs - bleeding, hCG slowly rising, dropping, only to rise again, with no sign of an ectopic - I spent most of this past Saturday with extreme shoulder pain. I went to the ER, where my hCG should've been high enough to see a sac with an internal u/s, but there wasn't anything. And still, no sign of an ectopic. They sent me home, merely telling me to "wait it out" as I had an appointment with my regular ob-gyn on Thursday.

But yesterday morning, I lay in bed trying to take it easy until we got answers when I suddenly couldn't move. All I could do was whimper and cry, the pain in my abdomen so sharp and instant, I knew this wasn't a good thing. I managed to crawl up the steps, where I begged my mother and father-in-law to "help me" as my husband was at work. It hurt so bad, I couldn't stop crying. My MIL called my husband, who met us at the hospital, and after everything, they did another u/s... where it's discovered I was having another tubal pregnancy.

I was rushed to surgery, in the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life, where I lost my right tube, and therefore, any chances of another natural pregnancy. Of ever having another baby of my own without assistance I'll never be able to afford.

And right now, I'm devastated. Broken.

Right now, I can't see beyond today, because there's nothing except darkness. The death of a dream I've had for so many years... a child with the man I love. A biological sibling for my son.

And in my grief, I don't care if he got two step siblings when I married. I don't care that I have a living, breathing, and mostly healthy child already when some people don't even have one. Because I'm sad and extremely pissed off.

PIssed off at having something I've wanted for years taken from me when I haven't done anything to deserve it. Pissed off at my shitty body, that's never done me any good and caused me more grief than anything else; a body that is fucking stupid, can't handle most medications, allergic to way too many things, and aging me well beyond my years day by day. Pissed off at having to resign from my seasonal job at a time when I need the money now more than ever because of all this crap and probably going to have to file bankruptcy despite all my hard work these last 4 years at building myself back up.

And sad. Sad for having this taken from me, on top of every other way the world has let me down over the years, no matter how hard I've tried to work to fix it for myself. Sad for my husband who has a grieving wife he can't do anything for because there's nothing he can do to make it better. Sad for my son who spent all day yesterday terrified after seeing me crawl up the steps and is seeing me cry over and over and doesn't understand, in a situation I hope he never has to experience.

Sure, I'll get better. Sure, I'll get on and live with it, because what other fucking choices do I have? But I'll never, ever get over it. I never wanted just one child, and this hole in my heart, the one that I've been carrying around since the first time I had a tubal pregnancy... it's never going to go away, because I was so screwed up when pregnant with my son that I never got to experience the joy of carrying him inside me or having the support of the man I loved beside me, helping me through the rough times with our child.

I don't care if I'm oversharing right now. I had to write it down, somewhere, because I know someone else shares my pain and I know I'm not alone. It doesn't make it better, it doesn't fix it, but just know, there's another person out there right now crying their eyes out and wondering what they did so wrong for this to happen to them.

And hoping it's just a horrible nightmare they'll wake up from soon.