These past couple of weeks have personally been hell for me.
I don't tell you any of this for your sympathy or pity. In fact, I write this blog for me and share it because if something I write helps even one person, I'm glad. Overall, though, this is where my feelings about things go, and yes, it's about my writing and my personal life and anything else I feel like including at the time I make a post.
But, back to the hell.
For the most part, I spent the week following my emergency surgery lying in bed. Okay, I kind of had to for some of it, but otherwise, I didn't get out of bed unless it was to go to the bathroom or shove something resembling food down my throat. I cried, I raged internally, and I even probably picked fights with my husband. (I did.)
What could he say? What could anyone say? Nothing, really, because nobody can change what has happened, nor can they heal how much pain it causes me every time I think about it. Every time I see an infant, I want to bawl. A week after my surgery, my sister told the family she's pregnant, and it sent me right back spiraling down. It isn't her fault and I don't blame her for how I feel, but the ache in my chest won't go away.
Some days are harder than others and simply being present most of the time is exhausting. Some days, I ask, what is wrong with me? What am I truly missing? I have a terrific child, I have a loving husband. The truth is, I'm missing the chances I'll never have, the child I'll never share with my husband. And it matters. Whether I have one child already or even if I had none, that doesn't matter, not to me. To me, it's the end of a hope I held onto when I had nothing else.
Truthfully, raging internally isn't enough, because I'm so damn angry and have no good way to let it out. I've never, ever been this angry in my entire life and it SUCKS. All those years where I was in emotional limbo muffled everything - my pain, the noise of the world... reality. I want to scream, I want to throw things...fuck, I want to run away, but I don't do that anymore.
Yes, I know I'm grieving, perhaps I'm even depressed at this point, and it has been a struggle to continue "living normally" after my traumatic day in the hospital where at one point I screamed in pain, not even morphine doing the trick to take the pain away.
I still hear my screams in my own head when I close my eyes. How will I ever forget that when it's practically haunting me? I don't know that I can, but I'm doing my best to push through.
So yeah, I've spent the last week putting myself in a place to finish a book, getting it ready to publish and making sure the process goes as smoothly as possible. Now I've got this new release, Played, which is going live on Tuesday, and I've put it up for pre-order. Even the print book is in the works, although I doubt it will be live before Tuesday at the rate I keep fucking shit up.
Yeah. I'm not perfect, and by the time I uploaded it on Friday to Kindle, I wasn't able to put up the updated file after finding a typo in the blurb and at the end of Chapter 3 because Amazon locks you out after a certain time, which I forgot they freaking changed to GMT. Then, today, a kind subscriber sent me a few more typos, which I've fixed, but that won't help the copy that is on Amazon that some readers will get.
Can I do anything about it? No, except say I'm sorry and I tried my best to make sure it was all good before publishing it. The files are updated everywhere else, including here on my website, at least, so yay? And of course, I direct my readers to buy straight from my website, because I see that money immediately, which is really helpful for me right now, but I understand why many prefer to buy from their favorite retailer. Hell, I typically do the same.
All this to say, I'm human. And to let you know, I'm here. I may be down, I may not be happy, I may be crying by the time I've finished writing this post (I am) and not even this release has cheered me up. However, I'm doing my best, and I thank you all for your support. You have no idea what it means to me, and I really hope you have a great weekend!