Love Trauma: How One Moment Seized My Heart

It's been a long time since I've posted anything personal on my blog, but today...well, it's the day I'm going to be openly, achingly, unapologetically real with you. I don't care if after you read it you think I'm utterly ridiculous...because I need to get this out.

Ten years ago, in April 2005, I hopped on a plane to return home to a life I hated after spending 4 weeks with a boy I was madly in love with. I hated being apart. This boy, who I'd spoken with non-stop for two years, and was my best friend, was the guy I was going to marry. I just knew it. But, we were young (him 19, me turning 20 in May 2005), and we had time...well, we did.

However, my whole world changed when an ex bf raped me one night in my apartment after I let him stay with me on his trip across the country for his new job. Already suffering from depression, anxiety, and many other issues like not having enough to eat, this was the moment I separated from my mind completely, going to a safe place nobody could touch me.

Blaming myself for being raped since I let the ex in, I told my boyfriend who lived in England that I cheated on him. And for eight years, that is the truth of what he believed. We broke up and I tried to kill myself. And after that, I made mistakes. A lot. I felt nothing, I didn't care, and when relationships ended, well, I didn't care.

I recognize now that I tried to get the feeling back. I was engaged to a man with the same name, and eventually I married another man who had the same name as the man I was in love with, but was the complete opposite of him. I ached for this boy I truly loved and wanted more than anything else, but could no longer have.

When I wrote Surrender To You, that's when I told everyone what happened to me. Even the boy...who I managed to stay friends with after everything. On and off through the years, talking online and ignoring the big, big thing between us that never got resolved. He forgave me for lying, of course, because if nothing else, we are the best of friends. But he didn't love me anymore, and rightly so. It had been a long time, after all.

But even then, I didn't really feel anything. I was still locked inside, unable to truly connect with anyone, because it was my safe place. Well, that changed one day too, when I finally met someone in 2014 I connected with...and he shattered open my frozen heart by breaking it with stunning speed because I dared to open up my heart to someone after all this time. It was then the rush of feelings I'd been suppressing for 9 years came back with a force that dropped me to my knees and I bawled harder than I'd ever bawled in my life.

That's when the feelings for him resurfaced. And I am, quite frankly, love sick to this day.

Just three years ago, I had the emotionally capacity of a 4-5 year old. Now that I've progressed...logically I know this love isn't real, at least...not like it was. I remember him as the boy, when I was a girl who was emotionally immature to the point of major pain.

But my heart? Well, it doesn't care. Talking to him makes me happy, I remain deeply attracted to him, the idea of being close to him makes my heart dance. And on the flip side, the inability to get myself to stop loving him is a source of immeasurable and heartbreaking pain for BOTH of us.

I think about him and my heart hurts. It's the one thing my past I've never dealt with, because I haven't seen him. It's been 10 years, and my heart won't let go, no matter how much I tell myself that it's not REAL.

I can't afford to go see him. I am a visual person and I need the REAL thing in front of me, if I'm ever going to end this lovesickness. Ten years ago, I left my heart across the ocean, and I want it back. Seeing him will bring my life and everything that's happened between us full circle.

I have cried. I have tried to move on. I've gone to therapy...I have a loyal unwavering heart, and my heart wants what it wants, but it is a source of misery for me. And him. It's a bad cycle, because he cares for me and wants to see me but we end up fighting because of the way I feel.

I don't want to lose him. He is truly one of the longest and best friends I've ever had.

I'm fed up with being lovesick. :cry:  And we've never gotten closure. Our relationship ended unnaturally, and all I can think is how badly I need him to hug me, for my brain to connect the dots between then and now, so it can move on.

I just wish it could happen sooner rather than later because it's not going away on its own, or with time, or whatever else people tell me will work. I face my fears and my wounds upfront because deep down, I can handle anything, but not with an expensive ocean between.

Thanks for reading. <3